5 Ways to Comfort Someone Who Has Lost a Spouse
by Melinda Campbell
People die. The people left here move on in some form of that dreadful little phrase. The vast majority of those people do it in spite of losing another 75ish percent of the people who used to be in their life bubbles. (Yes, there’s research that calculated that.)
If you add to that thought that the majority of that majority do it with great financial burden adding to the stress of grief and abandonment, you have an equation that has a mix of fortitude, depression, strength, and sadness on the other side of that equal sign.
This is no call for pity on my part. The people who wing-dinged me did that years ago, and I truly don’t have the energy to carry that load. (To be honest, I don’t have the focus needed to let it linger in my mind for long anyway—old age for the win!) This is a reminder that if you have someone in your life who recently lost a spouse there are some things even in the days of the Rona that you can do to help…
5 Ways to Comfort Someone Who Has Lost a Spouse
1.) Be present.
You don’t have to be in the same room with someone to let him or her know you’re on the team. Send a text. Send a card. Leave a voicemail.
2.) Help without waiting to be asked…not to be confused with being bossy and trying to micromanage a person’s life: we will talk about that in a minute.
The first couple years, I didn’t even know what the boys and I needed most days. I had someone who mowed my yard. I had someone who cleaned my gutters. I had people come put a mailbox up for me. I’m not a helpless woman, but I had a helpless season. I’m thankful for the few people who showed up and did things I couldn’t do and asked for nothing in return.
An extra thought specifically because of the holiday: a couple of people made sure my kids had a gift for me. You don’t realize how big a deal that was. It wasn’t about the gift itself; it was about the potential to be gift less after twenty years of thoughtful gifts. Christmas. Birthday. Mother’s Day. All the days that have a little extra spotlight.
3.) Refrain from making a lot of suggestions. If a sentence starts with the words “you should,” don’t let it come out of your mouth.
Some people left our lives because they didn’t know how to grieve with us. Some people left because they had guilt associated with their own behaviors, and being around us made them see that. Some left because we didn’t have anything tangible to offer them anymore. Then the last group left because I didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t do things based on their “advice” and/or on their timelines. I’m thankful for the people who loved me/us enough to encourage and offer suggestions then respect me enough to accept my choices.
4.) Don’t assume things. Well, don’t assume anything.
I often mention that Robin Williams’s struggle with depression shows that a smile and a laugh don’t equate to a happy life. Many people who put on faces of strength in public have the deepest sadness in their private hearts.
Go back and re-read #2 with this in mind.
5.) Keep sharing good memories about the person who passed.
The pain of losing someone lingers forever. The Lord fuzzies the lines of the hurt over time, so the intensity lessens. One of the ways that happens is through openly talking about the best parts of the person who isn’t physically with us now. We don’t avoid talking about my late spouse. He was mine for almost two decades. He is the kids’ dad. Just because his soul relocated doesn’t mean we have to forget him and try to do life without honoring the best parts of him, and we love it when others do that, too.
In this season of social distancing, many people new to the grief journey are encountering an even greater sense of aloneness. Make an effort to reach out to a friend today. Even the smallest gesture can make a big impact on someone’s heart.
Melinda’s Bio-
Melinda Campbell – Melinda is a frequent writer for NanaHood. Her column, Reflections from the Kitchen Sink, is a popular column here and on her Facebook page. Melinda is a retired educator who currently focuses her efforts on raising her two teenaged boys, advocating for individuals with special needs and against drunk driving, and serving in her local community. New Kitchen Sink Merchandise-Click Here?
More on the topic of grief can be found at the links below.
Melinda, you’ve spoken for many of us. Beautiful.