Reflections From The Kitchen Sink…13 Things All New Widows Need To Know

All New Widows Need to Know

When Nana Teresa asked me to consider sharing a “things you should know” list for new widows, my head went a million miles an hour because there is so much I didn’t know. She asked for maybe my top ten; I sent her a baker’s dozen. I could expound on every one, and I know if I pushed through, I could divide my list and add to it easily. If I had to say one thing to new widows, it would be that you’re not alone or weird. Everything you think and feel has been felt by another widow somewhere. Here are some of the first things that came to my mind while I pondered Nana’s request…

1.) You will have a hundred what-if scenarios and feel a lot of guilt. My husband was killed by a drunk driver 50 miles from home. There was nothing I could have done, but I still ran through a lot of things I could have and should have done and said to make that night go differently. I have friends whose spouses had chronic illnesses, and these friends debate the treatment options and how they helped their spouses manage their care. I have friends whose spouses committed suicide who second-guess every word spoken during the closing days of their spouses’ lives. Realize there are limits to what we can do, what we know, and how we respond. Human beings only have so much control. It isn’t your fault.

2.) Your memories will be like a kaleidoscope on steroids: a jumbled mix of the pretty and the not-so-pretty all flashing in and out of your view. The further out you get from the date of your loss, the picture show will slow down, and you will focus more on the prettier shapes. They might get fuzzier, but the designs will be recognizable. You will cling to the good and subconsciously push as much of the bad to the side as you can. No one had a Pollyanna-pretty life 24-7. Don’t feel bad if a “normal” day memory isn’t a pretty one. Just replace it with one that is good and move on.

3.) You’re going to forget your spouse is dead. That sounds ridiculous, but there will be times you will think of something and try to call or message him or her, or you catch yourself expecting your spouse to walk through the door. Just the other day—and I’m four and a half years out—I saw a book title Michael would’ve loved, so I picked up the book with the intention of buying it for him. There will be days you will wake and rollover in the bed expecting to find your spouse there. These things just happen. No, you’re not crazy. 

4.) Some people will expect you to “move on” or “get over it” quickly. Some people will be offended if you try to “move on.” I’m in a small support group of about a dozen widows all at different stages of the game. People’s expectations on widows often cause more pain some days than the grief itself. It’s nuts!!

5.) You will hear how “strong” you are until you want to puke. Most likely, you will politely receive the words then when you have alone time collapse into a pool of tears because you don’t feel strong and wonder if you will ever feel strong again. Again, your walk is unique. I don’t remember much from the first 18 months after Michael passed. Since then, I’ve had moments I demonstrated strength. Most of them, I was faking it. That’s just the truth of it. I wear a mask daily to conceal the pain and confusion of my life. I don’t take it off for many people. 

6.) Some people will think they knew your spouse better than you and will try to hurt worse than you. That one sounds bad, but there are people who truly want to be the center of attention even during this situation. If you’re like me, you won’t even know it until years later. 

7.) There are serious physical repercussions to the mental anguish grief brings. I was diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome due to my grief and depression pushing my body into anxious moments that mimicked heart attacks. I still have some moments. Maybe I always will. I decided that these times just demonstrate my genuine love for my husband, and so I won’t be ashamed of them. They don’t define me or make me weak. 

8.) Your situation is about you and how you can best manage. Only you know you, and if you have kids, only you truly know what their hearts will need. Don’t get overwhelmed by the “helpful” comments and suggestions you receive. If you have kids, you’re their parent. You know what they need. Sure, kids are resilient. You will be told that a gazillion times. They still will follow your lead, and they need to feel you’re directing things, not someone who isn’t in the daily grind. It is not selfish to do what you think is best for you and your kids. 

9.) People will assume you had a butt-ton of life insurance, and if your spouse dies in a tragic way like mine, you will be “raking it in” from a lawsuit. Some people are provided for financially. My experience is that most are not. I was left way more debt than income. Get a financial advisor to help. There may be a retirement account that needs to be changed over to your name and such. Find a professional who is objective and will guide you with integrity. That was one of the best decisions I made, and I’m thankful for my friend who connected me with just the right person. 

10.) Sadly, you can’t trust people. I have said many times I trust 3.5 people. People will steal from you in a minute. People feel entitled to stuff and don’t respect the “spouse” moniker. Money and material possessions are priorities to many. I had people expect me to give them things that weren’t even paid for! People literally walked in my home not even two full days after the funeral asking for things, and I had things taken from my property for months. I ended up having to utilize a security system. 

11.) Don’t run from people who have your best interests at heart and try to hold you accountable, but don’t mix those folks up with toxic people who want to control you like puppet masters. It is so hard to differentiate between those two types of folks. You will confide in someone then kick yourself in the end for thinking that person was in your corner, but you can’t let a bad experience keep you from finding the couple of folks who can be your sounding boards. 

12.) Immediately establish a power of attorney and revisit or write a will. Immediately check with Social Security if you have minor children to see what help they will provide. As soon as you can, manage some small name changeovers on accounts at the bank and small businesses. Get an attorney to help manage the estate even if you don’t think you have much to manage. I will tell you, you will be insulted by the sterility with which other people approach your situation. They didn’t lose their spouses, and most of the time, your spouse is just a name on a computer screen or piece of paper: there is no emotional investment for these folks. It will hurt every single time you have to go through the motions. Oh, and figure out who your emergency contact is and be prepared to have that question slammed in your face at every doctor visit for years. 

13.) Don’t be afraid to rest. Don’t let social stigmas keep you from seeking professional help from therapists and medical doctors if you need it. Don’t be afraid to slide things around to find your most comfortable situations, and know it is okay if every day that set up looks different. Don’t let people guilt you into doing things or not doing things. Cling to your core. Mine is Jesus, and my faith is what I relied on from day one.

…well, and coffee…at my sink, of course…

Much love to my fellow wids today and always—

…until next time…

Bio-Melinda Campbell is a retired educator who currently focuses her efforts on raising her two teenaged boys, advocating for individuals with special needs and against drunk driving, and serving in her local community. Melinda has been gaining recognition for her writings labeled “Reflections from my Kitchen Sink” since the tragic death of her husband Michael in 2015. In her stories, she shares observations from her daily life including moments she has as a solo parent, a widow, and a woman who battles significant health issues including fibromyalgia and depression. BIG ANNOUNCEMENT- New Kitchen Sink Merchandise-Click Here