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The Day My Mother Died

My mother died July 26th, 1990. A lot of years have gone by since then and a lot has happened to me and in the world, but no matter how much time passes I still think of her on the day of her death and as long as I have the capacity to remember… I always will.

the day my mother died

If I were to lose every photograph I have of her I would still remember her appearance. That’s just the way it is when you lose someone you love. Her face is etched in my mind so clearly that if I were an artist I could sketch her from memory. Not just her facial features, but every part of her. From her soft brown hair that she kept permed and colored, to the shape of her toenails, I remember.

A few of my friends still have their mothers, not many, but a few. One friend’s mom has dementia and while I hate what the disease has done to her there is a part of me that envies the fact that my friend can still hug her mother. She can still hold her hand and say “I love you.” I feel guilty for even letting jealousy enter my mind because I know that dementia is a cruel thief, and that if given the choice most of us would rather go suddenly than to linger and lose our memory and be dependent on others.

Choices

We don’t get to choose how we die, but we do get to choose how we live. And while I miss my mother like the sky misses the clouds on a hot, humid day, I know she would want me to cherish my memories but not dwell on them.

the day my mother died

It took a lot of years and a lot of wrestling with my emotions to get to where I am now. There was a time when I mourned her so deeply that it felt like I was walking in muck up to my knees and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get free. I still have my moments of intense grief but they are fewer and farther between. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but it does lessen the sting

My husband loved my mother dearly and today we talked about how many years have passed since her death. I told him I had finally reached a point where I could give thanks for the wonderful mother I had and be grateful for the time we had together instead of focusing on what I had lost. But oh, what a long journey it was. The day of her death will come and it will go. I will put a flower on her grave, just like I do every year. Then I will go back home and be with my children and grandchildren.

I am 62 years old and even if I live another 40 years I will still miss my mother. When you love someone, anyone, with your whole being it’s hard to learn to live without them but it can be done.

And that’s what they would want us to do.

the day my mother died

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37 Comments

  4. That’s wonderful that you still have your mom. And you are right, enjoy her now. Thanks so much for writing!

  5. I understand, Lauren. And I’m sorry. There’s lots of us with holes in our heart!

  6. Thank you Alana for writing. Wow, you were so young to lose your mom. That’s so sad. And your loss of your mother in law is sad too…Loss is sad!

  8. It’s okay! You can comment and share your feelings. I appreciate the time it took you to comment and your thoughtful words. Very truthful and what a tragedy about the young man. Way too young to leave this world and so sad for his loved ones. Thank you again Alissa, for commenting.

  10. It’s so hard to lose a loved one. I’m sorry for your loss and thank you so much for the kind words!

  14. Beautiful post and one I SO relate to as I feel the same way about my Mom.
    Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her terribly.

    xoxo

  15. My mom is 94 this year but we lost her to dementia about 5 years ago. She’s a very different person now — difficult and nasty. It really pains us to see her this way. She is so unhappy and it has come to the point that we are ready to let her go.

  17. I turned 62 last May and although time does its thing, I still have those moments of disbelief when I think of losing my dad or nephew. I think I will always remember them along with an aunt who raised me until the day I die as well. It’s a tribute to your mom that you think of her and have sweet memories. I’m sure that’s what she wants and smiles whenever a memory of her gives you joy.

  19. I think when people pass away you grieve not just in the moment, but for years and years.

    I’m sorry about your mother! I know she was special just by reading this post.

    I just went to a funeral this last weekend. My husband works at a dental lab. His co-worker’s fiancé of 2 yrs – she’s been with him for 5 yrs hung himself. I forgot how deeply death effects people. It’s just been a long time, since I’ve been to a funeral. This guy was only 31, and left behind a beautiful fiancé, and her 2 kids that called him, “Dad”. It’s their only Dad that stuck around for some time. I wanted to say, “Everything will be ok.”, but it’s not. It won’t be for a long time. Even though I didn’t really know him, my eyes kept filling up with tears for her, their kids, for his Mom and brother.

    Yes it matters somewhat how someone passes. Another way of looking at it they are gone, they were special to a lot of people.

    I’m sorry if I turned this dark. That wasn’t my intent. It’s just what I experienced recently.

    No matter how someone passes it’s effecting someone.

  21. Hugs. My mother died when I was 12, so it was a different kind of pain, but my mother in law passed away last November. I had known her for almost 50 years and watching her decline was painful. You do make an interesting observation about our mothers and how they would want us to learn to go on without us. I would want that for my son (who is in his late 20’s). I had never thought of it that way.

  22. I feel this way about my dad who died in 2015. My mom is still here. There is not a day that goes by I don;t think of him. There is hole in my heart that will never be filled.

  23. My mother is almost 90. I’m grateful that we were able to convince her to live with us which affords me some extra time with her instead of living several states apart. But I know she won’t be here forever and that I need to focus on enjoying what we have now.

  24. Hugs to you. From listening to friends when they grieve, it seems as though the loss of one’s mother is a difficult loss in its own particular way. My mother is 80 and in poor health. I want to focus on the present, but I am grateful for people who take the time to talk about their loss. It’s helpful in several ways for several people. May you feel the love and support from me and your other readers regarding his loss.

  25. I think it’s a sadness we carry with us all our life. Thank goodness for faith! Thank you for writing, Anna. I’ll think of you on the 27th!

  29. Thank you Ann. I miss mom and dad and my cousin Martha every day. It is hard. I know you understand.

  31. Oh, how I miss mom. Just reading your posts brings back so many memories. Thanks for sharing.

  32. A beautiful tribute to your Mom, also very thought provoking on subject of losing one we love so much, the smallest of things can trigger a very emotional time. Very well said.

  34. This is one of the most tender things I’ve ever read. I understand completely. My mother’s been gone for 11 years and there are still times I want to reach for the phone to share something with her, or ask her advice. God comforts those of us with faith by promising that we will meet again – in a never ending place without sorrow or tears. I try to think of that when I miss her the most.

  35. Sweet tribute…and you can hold Momma Versies hand any time my sweet friend. Yes with dementia you keep loosing little pieces of that person you love over and over…. it’s so hard but u can still be close to that person and look into that face we love so much?

  36. I completely understand your grief for I feel the same way. You express it much better than I can. Thanks for this post.

  37. Teresa, I feel your pain and remember letting my mother go also. On July 27, my mother will be gone 19 years. Not only is it her death day, but also her birthday. She was very sick and I know she welcomed death on that day, but for us children it was a hard day, as you know. We had already said goodbye to our father at the young age of 58. Yes time does help the sting of death, but never completely heals the hurt. However the memories are always sweet??

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