Missing Martha

Missing Martha

I am no stranger to loss. My parents and grandparents have been gone for years and there are days when I long for the touch of my mother’s hand or just one more hug from my dad. I miss my parents and grandparents terribly but my grief for my cousin and one of my best friends, Martha, is different.

We mourn each person we lose differently, or at least I do. Grief is like the ocean and even when the water looks calm and the waves lap gently at the shore there are all sorts of under currents and, perhaps, even a storm brewing just beyond the horizon.

For those of you who don’t know, Martha and I were first cousins who grew into best friends. I was six months older than she was and we spent every moment of every school break together. When we couldn’t be together (she lived in Florida and I lived in Kentucky) we wrote each other long silly letters (no email back then) about who we had a crush on and what we had been doing.

Martha was the Yin to my Yang. If we had been cowgirls she would have worn the white hat and mine would have been black….or maybe gray. I wasn’t a horrible teenager but she was so good she would make Mary Tyler Moore look like the devil.

I’m not sure why I am missing her so much today. Perhaps I’m missing her because her wedding anniversary was this month and I always sent her a card. Or maybe it’s because next month she will have been gone for four years. I don’t know why I miss her so much….only that I do.

Our Childhood

When we were young our grandfather would load up all the grandchildren in his jeep on Sunday afternoons and we would go salt the cattle. There was a spring-fed stream in the cow pasture and often (if we begged) he would stop and let us go wading. We were always barefoot in the summer and the water would be cold no matter how hot the day was. It was refreshing and so much fun.

The years went by and we both married and had children. Martha would bring her girls to Kentucky to visit me and we’d take our brood and go to Florida and stay with them. One summer Martha decided it would be fun to take our children wading, like we did when we were young. We didn’t have a jeep but we loaded up my van and drove to a nearby stream. Within minutes the children were complaining of mosquito bites, someone cut their foot on a rock and a snake slithered by. We ran (and hopped) back to the van.

She was such a huge part of my life for so long that it would be odd if I didn’t miss her. I miss her goodness. Her big, boisterous laugh. Her beautiful green eyes. I miss knowing that no matter how far away she was or what was going on in her life, she’d drop what she was doing and come running if I needed her. She always had my back.

Even though she’s gone, she is still with me. She left me with years and years of precious memories. I know I am a better person for having known and loved her. Some people live their whole lives without a friendship like we had.

I have been blessed with a close knit group of friends who understand that Martha held a special place in my heart. They are always willing to listen and comfort me on days like today when my heart aches and I long to call her on the phone.

My life was sweeter because Martha lived. Her death has separated us for a time but one day I hope I can earn my angel wings and go find her. I’ll listen for the sound of her big, booming laugh and look for her next to a brook where a cold, cool stream of crystal water flows.