Loss of a Loved One-Reflections From The Kitchen Sink
Loss of a Loved One
As hard as it is to say, death is a part of life. It is certainly not something we want to talk about or plan for, and for those of us who have it strike without warning, there is a rattling in our hearts every time we have to explain again what has happened. I am often asked, “What can I do to help my friend who’s going through a sudden loss?” I could probably list a gazillion and two things, but I will stick with my top three for now.
ONE—Let him or her feel without judgment. Grief emotions are like a 40-year-old carnival ride on its last leg. These emotions are rickety and sometimes pretty noisy. It seems like everything is held together by not much more than a toothpick, and the rides can be either really smooth or really not. It’s a little bit of chance and a little bit under the direction and whim of the ride supervisor.
It is pretty crazy the snippets my mind allowed me to capture from my first days after Michael was killed. I remember two of my former students literally sitting at my feet at the funeral home to make sure I knew they were there for me. I remember the funeral directors’ faces and their compassion. I remember the walk to the bathroom right before the funeral started and how it seemed I would never get there. But I also remember within the first day or two of losing Michael cracking a joke with two of his very best friends from childhood: “If you really loved him like you say you did, why did you let him wear those spandex pants in the talent show your senior year?” The men chuckled then had a few moments of fun reflection that helped all of us. Just let people feel what they feel.
TWO—Realize that after the first week or so, the meals stop, the visitors all leave, and the work begins…and there is so much work! I’m not talking about a closet clean out and such. It is not time for that stuff at all. I’m talking about all the paperwork and account changeovers and such.
Because of my phone aversion, I found myself trying to go into places of business to get matters in order. I quickly found that just the trip to town was hard because I didn’t want to drive and because I cried so much. Then to go into the cell phone store and have the process be so cold and complicated really spiraled me into a deep, dark, lonely place. After a couple of those visits, I decided I had to make calls, but on the phone, I was often greeted with someone reading a script who didn’t hear what I was saying. During one call, I even raised my voice and asked the customer service rep if she’d even been listening to me because she said she could only talk to Michael about the account. I had told her at the start of the conversation he had been killed. Countless times, I had to say those words, and it never got easier. I finally quit and still have a few things in both our names.
THREE—Know that while we are so very lonely, many widows won’t reach out and ask people to come over or even start a text chat. I’m an introvert by nature, and I found my biggest effort daily was to try to keep some semblance of order and flow going to my children. I didn’t think of myself. I wasn’t coherent about most normal life things, to be honest. I poured myself into my boys, went to the grocery from time to time, and made sure we got to church. I’m sure I did it most days, but I really don’t remember even trying to wash my face with any regularity.
I would push through my days then the quiet of the night would be stabbing.
Now, not every widow ends up in the deep pit of depression I found myself, but I think most have had moments of seclusion during which someone pulling in the drive just to say hello would have meant so much. I had people tell me a few years into things that they assumed I was always surrounded by people trying to help, and they didn’t want to be in the way. Most days those first couple years, we literally saw no one. Some days there wasn’t even a text. In real life, people have their own responsibilities to manage, and with social media making things appear like they do—“347 people liked that photo”—assumptions are made. Don’t assume.
Thankfully, during a meeting one day, an acquaintance stepped out of his professional mode and asked what I was doing for myself. He asked specifically if I had an adult whom I spoke to with some regularity…he knew the answer when he asked. He said he had a friend who was a therapist, and he thought she and I would be a good fit. He even offered to pay for the sessions if I would just go. It took me a few weeks to make that first appointment, but I am glad I did. COVID yuck has hindered my routine, but I very much appreciate the healing process my therapist has started. “Therapy” isn’t the bad word some people make it out to be. I can think of a lot of other things a lot worse, but that’s a different soap box.
So to answer the question “What can I do?”
Be present. (In person or virtually.)
Be real. (Saying the situation just stinks is okay…the situation really does stink!)
Pray. (A LOT!)
Take a pizza to feed the kids. (Cam told me there were times he and Colin just ate whatever they could find because they knew I was having a very sad day. Talk about serious mom guilt when he dropped that on me not long ago…)
Mow the grass. (We had a friend do that often until we got a lawn mower.)
Just figure out how to fill a gap.
Most importantly, help your friend not feel totally alone. He or she has gone from being someone’s number one to being no one’s number one, and that is tangible 24-7.
…well, one more…encourage your friend to find his or her “sink” if there’s not already that special spot in the daily grind…
…and “grind” makes me think I should get a cup of coffee to wrap up my remaining moments of quiet here…
Have a blessed day, friends…
…until next time…
Melinda Campbell – All Reflections from the Kitchen Sink posts are written by Melinda Campbell. Melinda is a retired educator who currently focuses her efforts on raising her two teenaged boys, advocating for individuals with special needs and against drunk driving, and serving in her local community. New Kitchen Sink Merchandise-Click Here?
