A Smile…A Real Smile – Reflections from the Kitchen Sink

A Real Smile

We had gone out to dinner with part of our bubble for Cam’s birthday, and I asked my friends to send me the pictures they took. The last photo I received from one of those folks was actually from a different night, but it quickly caught my attention. Obviously unstaged—I mean look at that hair lol—it showed me me…as in an okay that moment me…and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Could that even really be me? That’s a pretty big smile. Hmm…

My kids weren’t right there, so the smile wasn’t about them. I don’t see the lottery folks or a check, so I obviously didn’t just become a millionaire. I’m just at a table playing a game with a few friends. I’m not talented enough to manufacture that look of acceptance and contentment. I guess I was just for real happy. That’s kind of cool. 

You see, when the rug gets pulled out from under you, sometimes you question if you can ever have a true moment of “happy” again. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ve had so many rugs pulled out from under me, I have multiple rug burns. As outwardly positive as I try to be, when I’m forced into quiet alone time, my mind sometimes focuses on those scars. Part of that is pretty natural, I think. Most people have memories they’d rather not have. Part of it for me though is major depressive disorder, and I’ve battled it a long time. I’ve not talked about it much. It is hardly a great lead-in to a conversation with a new friend. I’ve had years of practice concealing it as a matter of fact. Cowgirl up and keep moving has been my motto of sorts. It is rather heavy to carry sometimes though…which is why this photo was a gift. 

A couple years ago, I had a friend mention the smile on my face in a photo he’d seen. He encouraged me to do more things that could make me smile like I was in the pic. After spending my whole life trying to make others happy, I was being given permission to find something for me. I wasn’t sure what to do with that. I’ve not found whatever that “something” might be yet, but maybe it isn’t too far away. This game night photo makes me have a little hope. 

It’s time for me to wake my boys. They are smile producers most of the time: mom kinds of smiles. I am proud of them…when their rooms are clean…that’s a joke…sort of. These boys are about grown, so I really do need to get on this me plan for whatever’s next, I guess. Looks like game nights with the church fam need to stay on the short list. And coffee, of course. Maybe I should have that second cup before I wake the dynamic duo…

…until next time…