Reflections From the Kitchen Sink on Widowhood

Widowhood

I’ve been interviewed about widowed life a few times in the last couple years. My take on things has been included in a couple books and an article or two. Most recently, I was asked to participate in an academic study of the psychology of widowhood in the daily grind. When I agreed, I never thought how these pointed questionnaires would potentially jab my heart the way they did. I’m pretty open about my journey, but I’m open in a private way. I’ve given a realistic but superficial take on my life’s journey. The surveys required deep reflection and pushed for answers about situations I’d ignored or skim-coated. Here are some examples:

(1.) Most days during the two-week interview, my social engagement was based on my kids. I saw “outside” people at the kids’ school functions and activities based on my boys’ needs and wants. I visited with “my” people for a few minutes before and after church services and interacted with care providers at a medical appointment for me, but I literally spent less than an hour in the two-week window in in-person conversation mode. 1/336th of my time. That’s less than .3%. That was mind-boggling.

(2.) I had zero physical contact with people other than goodnight hugs from my boys (14 from Cam, fewer from Colin) and some shoulder pats and handshakes at church. Well, I did get my blood pressure taken once, and I high-fived my kids a couple times, too.

(3.) I did not initiate conversations often when I could use help. If there is a serious physical household emergency, I have in the past sent out a 911, but not one time in the 14-day period did I reach out to anyone from a Melinda angle. In the quiet of my existence, I don’t talk about my feelings, and I purposely hide those feelings to not place adult worry on my children. This is why crying sessions in the shower happen so often, I guess.

(4.) I am extremely critical of myself and worry daily about parenting and all the life management pieces that go with that.

(5.) The reality of my situation is quite evident. While I’ve pretty much let go of the bitterness about Michael’s passing, I haven’t gotten over the actions of some of the living. People will indeed show their colors when money is involved. Deception and manipulation go hand-in-hand with greed, and while I don’t let my disappointment in these people engulf me, this piece of the life puzzle greatly impacts what happens in my home daily. There is stress that simply didn’t have to be added to our situation. I scramble to give the kids as many opportunities to have positive experiences as I can. I stretch my physical, emotional, and financial limits to make things happen. I don’t center in on my resentment of all this, but the feeling is real and needs to be more directly addressed.

January 2015 was so long ago, and it was yesterday. The distance between days on the calendar has indeed softened the edges of grief longings: the physical and emotional rawness is gone. There is still hurt that sometimes reveals itself like ground being tilled for a spring garden.

My prayer is that this year’s garden is the one that finally produces something amazing. The university study brought to light some areas I must focus on to step forward. As challenging as it was to peel layers, it was eye-opening for sure. And, yes, much of my interview time was done here at the sink. Quite appropriate considering… It’s like my grief has almost made a full circle.

Shew, I definitely need that second cup of coffee today.

…until next time…

Bio:All Reflections from the Kitchen Sink posts are written by Melinda Campbell. Melinda is a retired educator who currently focuses her efforts on raising her two teenaged boys, advocating for individuals with special needs and against drunk driving, and serving in her local community. New Kitchen Sink Merchandise-Click Here?