Reflections From the Kitchen Sink: Sometimes I just Want to Be Mom
I remember the first time I was told that I was now Mom and Dad to my kids and how that knocked the wind out of me.
I’m not Mom and Dad, I thought. I’m just Mom. I can’t and don’t want to try to be two people.
It was truly an innocent statement the person had made. Obviously, that person wasn’t disrespecting Michael’s memory at all. She just meant that now literally everything was falling on my shoulders. I just hadn’t felt the shift of that weight yet.
You see, like a lot of homes, we had made subtle changes as the years had gone by, and I was the person in charge of the daily goings-on 99% of the time. When Michael and I married, I was the career-driven one and the main breadwinner. As time passed and our family goals started to materialize, we moved the pans around on the stovetop, and before our second child was even two years old, new personal goals had taken hold for me. I had had an available mom, and I wanted to be one. (Some people scoffed at my gearing down professionally, but we can venture down that road another day.) Anyway, the point is that even though I managed things, Dad’s presence on the other end of the phone, walking in the door for the hour or two of awake time at night, and his Sundays off were noticeable.
If you knew Michael, his goal was to be Disney Dad and be the party prince during his few hours at home. He could curl his eyebrow from time to time if needed though, and I’m sure as the boys got older he would have been lowering the Big Daddy boom when things got edgy. Instead, now, I’m good cop and bad cop handing out the doughnuts and the speeding tickets, and I will be honest, it’s exhausting some days.
Not too long ago, we were having a family chat, and one of my kids handed me the line that I am the “only parent on the planet who follows that rule” line and that was followed up with “(John Doe’s) parents don’t worry about that.”
My response?
“(John Doe) has two parents to divide the worry. I have double worry on my plate.”
As soon as I said that, I started crying. Actually, as soon as I typed it just now, I started crying again. Ugh.
So here we are at another Father’s Day weekend, and as awkward as it is to receive it, I will say ”Happy Father’s Day” to the solo moms out there kicking the double duty. None of us dreamed of this version of parenthood, but you’re doing it…keep going!!
Big hugs from the sink today…
