Life Changes

I went to Michael’s grave a couple days ago. It had been a few weeks since I’d gone. It was a beautiful fall day here in Kentucky. Not too warm. Not too cold. A good day to just go linger.

I did my usual maintenance effort: brushing off some dust and turning the flower arrangements back to their positions and fluffing them a bit. I thought it was one of my normal visits, but I found out quickly it was a little more. I have found that my heart connects to seasons even when my head tries to push the calendar to the side, and this is indeed an important season.

As I walked around the grave, that feeling overtook me, and tears swiftly streamed down my cheeks. He should be here, I thought to myself. I caressed the etching of his face and began to talk to him. I know he doesn’t hear me, but there is a little soothing to dumping my soul. So many things are happening. I imagined what he would say and how he would respond to our life changes. Deep down, I know he would be proud of the three of us. He would be amazed at how we have pushed through some things, and he would be humbled by the people who have been our biggest encouragers. There have been a lot of “life changes,” but our family core values have remained constant.

Epiphany of Life Changes

I shifted gears and told him I was going out of town for a couple days. This trip was really pushing my limits. I will admit, I’m not sure I would’ve taken the trip if Michael were alive, but I wouldn’t have been at this place in life and might not have been given the opportunity either. In that moment of reflection though, I had the epiphany that I am in many ways changing into a new version of me. Like I said, my core values are intact, and I obviously haven’t shifted from my “overzealous control freak mom” mode (Colin’s phrasing look); however, I am having to redefine my goals as a woman. It seems every day I am given a glimpse of what life will look like in a few years, and I’ve got to say, the empty nest thing scares the poo-poo out of me.

I am a firm believer in the fact we are here to serve others, not be served. Therefore, identifying causes I can put some effort into is important to me. My body’s catches have shifted me into think-tank roles with some groups, but I will say, the fact I’m thinking at all is a forward movement I truly questioned would ever come to fruition. That idea wraps me back to this trip and why it was important. 

Being selected as one of a dozen women from across the country to have the opportunity to be educated by some of the most brilliant minds in science and medicine was humbling. Accepting the invitation though meant Melinda had to get out of Melinda’s comfort zone: I had to travel alone from my little rural community into one of the most metropolitan areas in the world. Y’all, point blank, I watch too many late night reruns of Criminal Minds for that kind of travel. I also had to be further away from my kids than I had ever been. 2000 miles is a little further than that few hours up the road stuff. With some nudging by folks who believe more in my talents than I do, I accepted the invite, and it proved to be the first step I needed. 

Don’t get me wrong: big girl won’t be heading to the big city to plant myself anytime soon—my boys are right where they need to be geographically—but I am going to sew a new patch on my big girl scout sash. I’m not sure what a Stage One Overcoming Fear badge looks like, but I can sure find one on Amazon or some other online outlet. 

Today would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary. I will venture back to the cemetery again and tell Michael how the adventure went. I will tell him again that everything I’m doing it meant to encourage the boys to face their fears and head into their challenges with the tenacity their daddy had and to honor my home and Michael’s memory in a positive way. Yes, the last couple days were a step or two forward. Like any country line dance tune, I’m sure there will be a twirl or a back step or two to maneuver, but at least I’m feeling I’m getting the steps down a little better. 

I will take the wins from this little journey, but I will admit, too, I’m ready for my kitchen sink and my own coffee this morning.

Until next time…….

Bio-All Reflections from the Kitchen Sink posts are written by Melinda Campbell. Melinda is a retired educator who currently focuses her efforts on raising her two teenaged boys, advocating for individuals with special needs and against drunk driving, and serving in her local community. Melinda has been gaining recognition for her writings labeled “Reflections from my Kitchen Sink” since the tragic death of her husband Michael in 2015. In her stories, she shares observations from her daily life including moments she has as a solo parent, a widow, and a woman who battles significant health issues including fibromyalgia and depression. BIG ANNOUNCEMENT- New Kitchen Sink Merchandise-Click Here?