Approach Matters…Reflections From The Kitchen Sink

Approach Matters

Approach matters…especially with advice. Even right after we had our first child, we had all kinds of parenting suggestions thrown at us. Initially, it was almost funny because many of the pointers contradicted each other. 

“He can have cereal now.”

“It’s too early for solids.“

Eek!! 

Those kinds of things, we could just go with the flow. I have a grin-and-nod rule. Sometimes, it’s just the polite thing to do: smile to acknowledge you hear the person and then just do your own thing. That’s what we did most of the time on those baby parenting tidbits. 

When our older son became more demonstratively autistic displaying inner battles, sensory moments, and such, people upped their games. It seemed everyone knew exactly what we needed to do. 

“One week with me, and he wouldn’t act that way.”

“He needs his a$$ busted.” 

Thanks, Drs. Phil and Dobson, we didn’t notice he was acting out. (We didn’t say that out loud, but, boy, did we think it a time or twelve!) 

Since becoming a widow, I’m going to try to believe it is only with good intentions that people have offered their advice. The first couple years of widowhood, I don’t remember many pointers outside of “get out of there” (meaning move immediately). That advice was founded on the fact I’ve got no family geographically close to me here, but emotionally, my kids needed to stay which was all that mattered to me at the time. The last three years, as the fog has lifted, I’ve heard every word of advice and plenty of talk from the street. Here’s the dill though, Pickle, just because I hear you doesn’t mean I have to do what you say, and just because I ignore your suggestion doesn’t mean I am being disrespectful. My kids, my home, my rules. I really don’t mind a gentle nudge or conversation that starts with a kind “have you considered (blah blah blah)?” However, if I process the situation through the Melinda-the-mom filter that still 100% espouses the foundational principles Michael and Melinda established, then my decision is my decision. 

[I feel the need to insert here this discussion isn’t about me: it’s really about and for the new wids who are struggling and the people around them who are trying to support them. I’m in year six, and my baby is 16. I’m almost out of the being the chief decision parenting role.] 

One of my catch-all lines is “they don’t know what they don’t know.” 

Never been a parent of an extra needs kid? You don’t know. (Parenting a guinea pig when you were seven years old doesn’t equate by the way.)

Never lost your spouse and tried to rodeo this bad boy alone? You don’t know. (Losing your goldfish when you were five isn’t the same. Yes, people draw some broad comparisons.) 

Never had people base their opinions on you totally on the statements of others? You don’t know. (We are such a gossip-driven world.)

Our social media driven society, I believe, is becoming more and more open about sharing opinions whether they are founded or not. It’s time to put a gauge back on our tongues—and our thumbs!—and make sure our thoughts are thoughtful and considerate. Asking ourselves if our words are kind and helpful before sharing them is just the adult thing to do. There is no expiration date on the Golden Rule or that instruction from the kindergarten teacher who reminded us to play nicely. Not wearing our hearts on our sleeves could he behooving as well since typed words don’t always have the sting attached to them that our current moods can give them. 

Filter, filter, filter. 

Why, yes, I think I should make some coffee. Thanks for the kind suggestion while I’m here at the sink. 

Until next time…

Sent from my iPhone

Bio:All Reflections from the Kitchen Sink posts are written by Melinda Campbell. Melinda is a retired educator who currently focuses her efforts on raising her two teenaged boys, advocating for individuals with special needs and against drunk driving, and serving in her local community. New Kitchen Sink Merchandise-Click Here?