Grandparent Alienation; Who Does It Hurt The Most?
Grandparent Alienation
If you don’t know what grandparent alienation is, count yourself lucky. According to the New York Times it can be defined as the following, “At heart, estrangement from grandchildren reflects estrangement from adult children, the gatekeeper middle generation that can promote or deny access.”
Every so often I receive an email from a grandparent that breaks my heart. This week I received a long, detailed message from a grandmother who had once been very involved in her grandchild’s life and now is no longer allowed to see them. She closed by asking me for advice.
Wow.
I didn’t respond for several days because I wanted to mull over my answer. I finally replied, but truthfully, I don’t think I helped her at all. It’s not that I don’t want to offer sage advice that might help her resolve her problem….the truth is I can’t. Her problem is with her adult child, her grandchild’s parent. Until the two of them can find a way (if they can) to work through this, there is nothing I can say that will make a difference.
I can (and did) tell her she’s not alone. This happens to so many families. What I can do is share links and resources for grandparents who are not allowed to see their grandchildren.
As to the question, who does grandparent alienation hurt the most? In my opinion, it hurts the grandparents the most. Why? Because children are resilient and bounce back quickly. Does that mean they aren’t hurt by what’s going on? Of course not. One grandmother I know writes letters to her granddaughter and keeps them in a safe deposit box. She hopes she will be able to deliver them to her granddaughter herself one day, but if not they will be delivered to her after her death. “It’s important to me that she knows how much I loved her and wanted to be a part of her life.” She’s been writing letters for over ten years now and says she cries every time she writes one.
Prayer
I can also pray for these families each and every day, and I do. I wish I had a magic wand to fix this problem but I don’t. I can listen. I can pray. I can offer resources. That’s all I can do. I wish we only experienced happiness but we don’t. Sadness comes to us all. Maybe not in the form of grandparent alienation, but in one form or another.
Hugs to each of you friends and an extra big hug to the Nana who wrote to me this week. I’m praying for you.
Resources for Grandparent Alienation and places to find help and understanding.
https://www.aarp.org/relationships/grandparenting/info-05-2009/goyer_grandparent_visitation.html
https://alienatedgrandparentsanonymous.com/find-aga-in-your-area/
https://www.verywellfamily.com/cope-with-losing-contact-with-grandchildren-1695992
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/23/well/family/estrangement-grandparents-grandchildren.html
It may not be a taking away of visitation, but just plain old not taking the time to visit at all. I’m handicapped and can’t make the visits myself. All my kids live within 8 miles of us, yet have not made the effort to come over. Now the grandkids have gotten into a place that they don’t care whether they come or not.
My daughter estranged me more than four years ago after a therapist convinced her I was a “toxic narcissist.” My two children were raised in the same house, and the other child and I are close. I haven’t been allowed to see two of my grandchildren for more than four years. One has Down syndrome, and I pray daily she won’t forget me. My daughter ignored me after a recent heart attack and subsequent surgeries. She ignored me for four Mother’s Days, Christmases, and birthdays. She had me summoned to District Court to obtain a Protection Order against me. The ordeal exacerbated my heart disease. The physical and mental pain literally gave me a broken heart.