I love hearing from my readers but last week I received a letter that broke my heart. I askedthe author of the letter if I could share her story with you, providing I changed all the
names and she gave me her permission. What follows is her story.
I've been a grandmother only seven weeks, but already it's provided one of
the most astounding, joyful weeks of my life and the most devastating.
I go forward timidly and a little afraid of what's next.
My daughter and her husband are wonderful parents. But they're extreme.
After an intense home birth, where I gave support the entire time, I was
able to stay five days and nights to help with cleaning, getting my
daughter back and forth to the bath and bedroom, and anything I could find
to contribute.
After I left them alone the sixth day, everything changed for me. When I
returned on the seventh day, the circle to their little family had closed
and I was very much on the outside. Breastfeeding was going extremely well,
and they were self sufficient.
The hard part was that my daughter and her husband decided that, because of
their beliefs about attachment, no one would hold the baby except for them.
I was allowed on day four to hold my grandchild for a few pictures. He was
returned to his mother and I haven't held him since. They think it makes
the baby more secure if no one else holds him.
At first, it was to be for 40 days. I marked Aug. 14 on my calendar
excitedly. During the second week, I was already starting to feel like an
outsider, but wanted to be a trooper and support their way. I took a little
book over, as one of the things I've been excited about is reading to
my grandchild. I sat next to my daughter, who was holding him, on the sofa and read
the short book about the moon coming up in each night sky. I noticed my
daughter was a little restless, but didn't think much of it.
Two weeks later, things had begun feeling very awkward and I couldn't
identify why. I started to resent how the house felt unwelcoming, and how
when I was there I felt my daughter "protected" her baby from me. Sometimes
I wouldn't catch a glimpse of him, as she seemed to be hiding him. I
learned why the next week. My daughter was mad at me for reading the book,
because I wanted "him to bond to my voice." She also admitted she rather
arbitrarily made up the 40 days, although it came somewhat from a book they
value.
On day 39, I was still hopeful and I texted her, "Tomorrow is Day 40!" When
she responded, she didn't address that fact. I had invited them to a
baseball game, where we were sitting in a private box, but she said it
wasn't time yet. At the game, in a nearby box, I encountered another new
grandmother, a lady I've known for many years, with her family. She
lovingly held her granddaughter the entire game. I broke down that night,
tearfully sharing how painful it was to not touch my own grandson, not to
know his smell or the feel of his cheek on mine. She begged me to hold her
own grandbaby and I cried some more.
I feel I've been cheated. I want to support them but everything feels
extreme and I am beyond sad. My husband and I have asked how sharing love
with the baby could in any way be a bad thing. We feel no control. I don't
know if other grandparents have dealt with this type of situation, but I
could use some perspective. I'm hurting.
Sad Grandmother
From me: Nanas, I implore you, if you have any advice or wisdom for this lady please share itand I will make sure she gets your messages.
For all the world to see I love my grandson Jason Ryan jr. And yet I have not been able to see him for over 2 years now I love you Jason Ryan remember remember I told you it was nothing you could ever do you make Grandma . Loving you Ryan Young
Here are a couple of links to articles that may help you and your grandchild’s parents.
http://theattachedfamily.com/?p=164
http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2015/09/13/attachment-grandparenting-whats-your-role/
Extreme
parenting, and expecting, if not demanding that grandparents step back
or risk being cut off may be pop culture trends, but that does not mean
either is natural or healthy, especially for the developing child.
Attachment parenting is based on ancient practices that relied on the
village approach to raising children. Unfortunately, most parents no
longer have access to the support a village provides but it still does
take a village to raise a child. Far too many parents are
misunderstanding and misusing the attachment parenting model. So much so
that it is quickly becoming a way to engage in possessive parenting.
And far too many professionals are suggesting that grandparents need to
step back, or, get a life so to speak. When a grandchild is born the
last thing they need (the child that is) is for grandparents and other
family members to go into hiding or to be forced to start walking around
on eggshells. It still takes a village to raise a child and every
single child deserves that every single one of us advocate strongly for
their right to have free and equal access to their people. We do the
child no good when we place the parents feelings at the center of the
equation. Their feelings are very important for sure, but the child’s
needs should be the center of focus. Every child needs far more than a
strong attachment to the closed circle of family that consists of just
their parents to become a fully rounded healthy human being. Your
grandchild and the parents are fortunate that you have the desire and
interest to support their choice of attachment parenting. The parents
are the ones who need to take a step back and reevaluate the unnatural
and unhealthy way they are attempting to practice attachment parenting.
Anyone who tells you anything different certainly does not have the
healthy development of the child in mind. And that’s the problem in a
nutshell. The children’s need and right to establish and maintain
healthy, close and loving bonds with grandparents is being overshadowed
at every turn by the parents needs, insecurities, immaturities etc.
Hopefully you can get the opportunity to sit down and talk openly with
your child’s parents and let them know you support their parenting
choice and that you are even willing to participate as an attached
grandparent. Because all grandchildren need more of us not less. <3
I know, I wish I knew how to help this lady. Maybe time will help!
I don’t know what to say..to me, the concept of family means you stay together, share a lot and spend some time together as well…
Thank you for the hugs and encouragement, LuAnn!
Thanks, Michelle!!! I’m working hard on patience. My counselor, who knows my daughter well, tells me that on a conscious level my daughter believes in what’s she is doing, but that much is going on unconsciously. That is true of life in general … but emotions and events are so poignant around birth and new life.
Ladies, I so appreciate your wise words. I’ve been on a rollercoaster these past weeks, at times irrationally angry, intensely sad, and occasionally I’ve experienced moments of clarity and joy. I know on the surface my daughter has a conviction to parent her son in a certain way, which is her complete right as his mother. I also know she is jealous, intensely jealous. Particularly of me, but also of anything/anyone that takes her baby’s attention. I encountered another grandmother friend who had the same experience, and when she told me her account everything fell into place in my mind. This grandmother found that by completely withdrawing, feigning disinterest in the baby, that her daughter eventually came back to her. I’m not sure that’s the perfect solution for every case, but it’s the first time in all these weeks I’ve found someone able to mirror my experience.
The other part of the equation is that I realize how incredibly excited I let myself become over the course of my daughter’s pregnancy. We took a doula class together, I bought her many things she needed, we went on a trip. Everything felt blissful. But whatever shortcomings in our relationships existed before, returned immediately after the birth. Those will take some work and I don’t see there being time/energy/space for that work for some time. You remember those times you broke up with a boyfriend, and then your girlfriends all admitted how they really felt about him? Well, my girlfriends right now seem suddenly willing to tell me the shortcomings they’ve observed in my relationship with my daughter. They say I gave too much, “gave her my power,” one psychologist friend told me. It feels a lot to sort out.
I’m learning to back off a little, let go of the excitement about grandparenting for now and look for things that will make me joyful as a woman.
Thanks again for the support.
I am a grandmother and I can’t even imagine going through this. Your heart must be breaking. Personally, I think it is absolutely nuts. I respect new parents decisions, not that I agree with them. Babies have been attaching to their parents forever and grandparents play an important role in their life from the beginning. This is a tough one, but your relationship with your daughter needs to be a priority and so you may be waiting for the period of time she says, but anything beyond that, I agree with the other comments, you all need to get some help from a third party to discuss what really is going on. Prayers out to you!
You are so welcome Robin. Take good care and give it time.
Thank you, Carol.
Your thoughts are heartening, thank you!
Thank you, Estelle!
Thank you, Dr. Rutherford. They did give me a copy of the book, Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pearce, which they feel is directing their choices. I’m obviously not handling the situation well on my own, because the waves of emotion that come over me feel overwhelmingly strong. I don’t like the anger I am feeling. I appreciate your calm, sound advice.
Pia, Thank you so much for your response. I was hoping for thoughtful help and I got it. You and the other WOM are a blessing to me! Thanks again, Teresa
Lou Ann, thank you for sharing and what a story your shared! Blessings to you for what you went through!
Thank you Dr. Margaret for your thoughtful comment!
From my perspective as a psychologist, there could be several things going on. As Pia pointed out, they are taking the idea of attachment to the limit. Yet if you educate yourself about it, and she sees you doing that, that might be helpful. I don’t know if they are treating everyone else in the same manner. If so, it may not be as much an issue with you as their protectiveness of their child. I have worked with many parents who are surprised by their response to parenthood. It might look to some irrational, but to them, not leaving their infant with anyone else seems perfectly okay. Hopefully some time as parents will moderate that. So like others said, you will have to wait. Try to not take it personally. If it is more about you (you are the only one not being allowed to participate), then I would offer to go into therapy with your daughter. Let someone else try to help you. Third, it is possible your daughter has post-partum depression, which often can include obsessional behavior and distorted thinking. Or worsening what are her normal characteristics. That would be something difficult to bring up to her. Hopefully, if she had someone helping her with the birth and early mothering, they will see that. And get her help. Good luck with this.
God forbid something should happen to the daughter and/or her husband, and how will the baby cope then if the only people to whom he has been ‘exposed’ are his parents?
I have gone (good and bad) rounds with my mother-in-law. About 15 years ago, when the boys were still little, she attempted to get custody of my sons. She further tried to drive a wedge between myself and my husband by asking for joint custody between my husband and her, making it look like they were trying to get the boys away from me. The only time I was mentioned in the papers was her lawyer’s request that I be given a mental evaluation. (Turns out the first con job MIL’s lawyer did was on MIL and her husband.)
Just putting this out there – I was never a danger to my children. In my opinion, she felt guilty about the way she raised her own son (my husband) and was trying to make up for that.
When they got to town (having lived 1/2 a continent away at that point) they were surprised when I denied them taking the boys off on their own (until after the hearing). DH told me his mom said she was dropping the case. I said, “Fine, let me see the letter from the lawyer saying I don’t have to be in court next Monday, and I’ll believe it. Until then, either you or I will be with the boys when they are with their grandparents.” It hurt to mistrust her motives, especially since I had once considered her closer to me than my own mother.
I’m sorry for the long-winded story. Brevity is not my strong suit.
Maybe your daughter and her husband are getting bad advice from somewhere, as was the case for my MIL. I haven’t walked in grandma shoes yet, so cannot offer advice. But I am sending my best thoughts and prayers for the best resolution for all concerned. *HUGS*
I’m not a mother or grandmother but am a clinical social worker. More importantly for this I’m an adoptee who lived with my birth mother and her mother in the adoption agency for my first 3 weeks (yes that’s strange to me to), a foster home until just under 4 months and finally with my family until I went to college but always knew that I had a great family to return to even when I didn’t consciously think them “great”
There are different styles of Attachment Parenting
.Basically it’s supposed to make the child feel secure as they know that caretakers will always be there.
Only life doesn’t always work that way.
When once, not long ago, it was thought that adoptees couldn’t bond with adoptive parents that’s been debunked. So that means most babies can bond with their caretakers at an older age.
More importantly for this grandmother it means that while the child will recognize the parents as primary caretakers there is also room for others.
If it’s that simple the grandmother could read many articles on attachment parenting and talk to her daughter. But as Estelle said the daughter could have unresolved issues with her mother and now has a way of expressing them.
A big one would be if “sad grandmother” went back to work at a time the daughter deems too soon. Or if she was bottle fed or only breast fed for a short period of time.Or if the grandparents went out a night or two a week without their children. The possibilities are endless.
I would spend a few weeks reading up on attachment parenting—both to learn and give everyone a break. Then I would talk. If the daughter still resists there is much more going on.
I am so sorry. I can imagine few things more heartbreaking.
Thank you so much for commenting, Estelle! I’ll make sure she sees this!
Oh Carol, I hate that for you! That’s just awful!
I empathize. I have not seen my grand babies for 3 years. They are 3 and 5 years old. My heart breaks with you
I’m so sorry for your pain. I think that a family needs to create their own little unit after a birth and that’s what your daughter is doing. She probably has some boundary issues with you, so she is really being hard about it. I would give her space, tell her how you feel when you can take so much emotion out of your voice and let her come to you, which she will in time, if you’ve always had a close relationship.You will eventually hold and bond with your grandson, I’m sure. I am no therapist, but those are my honest thoughts.