Grandparents Who Aren’t Allowed To See Their Grandchildren
This is a guest post about grandparents who aren’t allowed to see their grandchildren, written by Jane Jackson. Thank you Jane for your article and for what you do to help other grandparents in similar situations.
June 8th 2000 was an amazing day, I became a granny!
The first time I held my granddaughter in my arms was truly a magical moment, I was consumed by a love for her that actually shocked me.
I really did fall in love with her. There was this tiny, beautiful little person who looked up at me full of expectation, an expectation of love and laughter. For the next 7 years I was part of her life, although she and her Mum and Dad lived at the other end of the country we would see her as often as we could.
Divorce and Distance
Sadly as time went on my son and his wife separated and later divorced. My son relocated to be nearer us and his daughter would come and spend holidays with him. We had great times together, she loved to be creative and the house was full of sticky stuff, glitter, paint etc, whenever she was here we shared many hours of laughter, it was as though the sun was always shining when she was here.
Just like the sunflowers we planted together.
As time went on communication started to break down with her Mum and Dad, and at Easter time when she was in the back of the car she said, “I have been told to dump my Dad and his family.” I have no words to express how that felt.
We did not say anything to her, but realized that things were about to change, my son took her back at the end of the holiday and that was the last time we saw her.
That was in 2007.
Stages of Grief
I went through the process that you go through when these tragic things happen in your life, I felt so,so wretched and ashamed.
I was ashamed because as a grandparent you think you should be able to put things right and when you discover you can’t it is total feelings of failure. I was very low. I made a decision that somehow I had to turn this negative into a positive.
I started to research the problem of grandparents being estranged from grandchildren and discovered that over one million children in the UK are denied contact. So I embarked on the journey of setting up a support group for grandparents who were going through this living bereavement. To date I have been contacted by well over one thousand grandparents in the UK, America and Australia, this is a global issue.
Grandparents can find themselves losing contact for a variety of reasons it can be as a result of separation/divorce, alcohol/drug issues, violence in the home, bereavement or family feud.
Desperate Grandparents
Some grandparents are suicidal. In the UK a grandparent does not have an automatic right to see their grandchildren. There is a legal route to take, where you apply to the court for ‘leave’ to then apply for a contact order. Obviously, again here in the UK, the cost is enormous plus even if you are granted an order but the resident parent decides not to adhere to the order, you are back to court and back to square one. There is rarely a consequence for breaking an order. Going to court has to be the very last resort .
The important thing for grandparents to remember is, you are not alone. I give support over the phone, via email, Skype, a closed FB group page and in my area at meetings. To be able to talk to other grandparents who understand completely is very helpful.
About Jane
I am 61 years old have been married to Marc for 42 years, we have two sons and 3 grandchildren. Our eldest granddaughter is 14 this year whom we haven’t seen for 7 years and we have twin grandsons who will be 2 this month who we see all the time and look after a day a week. I was in education for over 15 years.
I have had my grandson in my home everyday or at least 2,days a week when my daughter got into a fight with her sisters a new boyfriend and cut my ties from seeing my grandson .
I went to the court system they her lawyer asked be to take it back so I did and I still have not seen him.
That’s so true, it is heartbreaking!
What a heart-breaking situation. I had no idea this was such a massive issue affecting so many families. But I can see now how these sort of circumstances affect not only immediate family members but other extended family members and friends as well. Really shows the ripple effect one family nucleus can have in the community.
Thank you so much for commenting Patricia. I’m glad you are involved in your grandchildren’s lives. It’s a blessing, isn’t it?
I am a paralegal in Paris, Texas. I am a mother and a grandmother of 2 very amazing children and grandchildren and one incredible daughter-in-law. She has told me if anything were to ever happen between her and my son that she gets us!! How blessed am I?. One is 4 and we have been blessed to have her every weekend since she was born and it would literally break my heart if I couldn’t see her. Her little brother is 3 months old and I had both of them for the first time last weekend by myself. I can only say at 58 years old I made it.
I see this all the time in my line of work and its truly heartbreaking. Parents don’t realize how much harm they do to their children by not letting them spend time with grandparents.