Grief and Gratitude

Grief and Gratitude

There are certain times of the year that are much harder for families who have lost loved ones and experienced tragedies; this year has been full of both of those.

Wildfires

Mudslides

Hurricanes

Cancer

Floods

They never stop coming and they never will.

Why am I bringing this up today? Thanksgiving Day is a time when we gather together and give thanks….not mourn loss.

Wrong. It is impossible to experience loss without mourning, but that doesn’t mean we are without gratitude.

I’ve told this story before so if you recognize it, sorry, but it never fails to remind me that we choose the perspective with which we view life.

When my mother died of colon cancer I was devastated. Nothing anyone could say brought me any comfort until….

Two things happened. First, my uncle reminded me that I still had a lot to be thankful for. He said those words to me gently and then walked away, which gave me time to reflect. I knew I had a lot to be thankful for but I wasn’t thinking about those things at the moment. I was totally absorbed by what I had lost.

A few weeks later I was back at work. I was teaching at the local high school and one day there was a talent contest. A young girl got up in front of the assembly and sang “You are the wind beneath my wings.” That was all it took to send me back over the edge into a pool of grief. I had to leave the gym and go to the teacher’s lounge. A teacher friend followed me and sat down beside me. Her words were not what I was expecting.

She said, “I know you are sad and your heart is broken but I want to tell you something. I would give anything in the world to have had the type relationship you had with your mother. My mom and I hardly speak. We’ve never gotten along. You had something very special. Be thankful.”

Things didn’t change immediately. The grieving process didn’t stop, but slowly my attitude began to change. I started to realize that instead of focusing on what I had lost, I needed to be grateful for what I had been given. Not everyone has a loving, wonderful mother like I did. Yes, I still miss her.

Every holiday and birthday and family gathering…I miss my mom and my dad. I miss both sets of my grandparents and all the aunts and uncles who were once there. Truthfully, it’s like putting a lemon and a chocolate in my mouth at the same time…sometimes the sweet memories are overpowered by the absences of those I loved so dearly. Life is bittersweet and we can choose to focus on the bitter or the sweet. I want the sweet even when I taste the sour.

But over the years I have learned something.