The Power of a Memory

Have you ever had a memory hit you so hard that it feels like someone or something has knocked the breath right out of you? Something that you had forgotten, or pushed deep inside, and hadn’t thought about it years.

Yesterday I was at my daughter’s house and I was rocking her baby and singing to him softly when a mental image of my mother rocking my second son came rushing like the wind into my mind.

It was 1990, a few months before my mother died of cancer. Justin, my second son, was a toddler. My mother knew her time was short. She was frail and weary from the illness and recent surgery. One night we were there visiting and I was in the den with my 2 other children when I realized Momma and Justin had been missing for awhile so I went to check on them.

Momma was sitting in a semi-dark room, rocking and singing to Justin and he was sound asleep. I knew she was weak so I went to see if I could take him to put him on the bed. When I got closer to her I realized she was crying and she motioned for me to back off…she wanted to hold him longer. I walked to the doorway and looked back at them and then I realized, she was telling him goodbye.

24 Years Later

Flash forward to yesterday when I was holding my grandson and rocking him. That day and that mental picture of my mother rocking my son and crying came rushing back at me. It was as clear in my mind as if it had just happened moments ago, not 24 years ago.

It occurred to me as I rocked my own grandson that I think I know now what she must have been thinking that day.

I think she was amazed by how much she loved her grandchildren. A mother expects that she will love her children but before her grandchildren are born there is a tiny thread of doubt that whispers “Will I love them as much as my own?”  The answer for her and for me and for millions of grandmothers is a definite “yes”.

I think she was hoping Justin would remember her and how much she loved him. As the youngest of our children she knew his memories of her would be limited, if he remembered her at all. She forced herself to get up and get dressed every day no matter how she felt because she didn’t want her grandchildren remembering her lying in bed in her pajamas.

I think she was praying for herself, that God might allow her to live longer. But if that wasn’t His will then I know she was praying for Justin, for his life and future. I know she wanted all my children to grow into happy, faithful, Christians so that one day we could all be together again in Heaven.

The Power of a Memory

My daughter walked into the room yesterday while I was rocking her son and asked me why I was crying. I tried to explain it to her but I’m not sure she fully understood. She knows how much I miss my mother and how much I loved her, but I couldn’t convey the power or strength of a memory that had reached across the span of 24 years and knocked my feet out from under me.

Life is good.

I love my family and being a grandmother is the icing on the cake. But every once in awhile I will remember something about my mother, or I’ll think of something she said or did and the lump in my throat and ache in my heart reappears.

Today

As I’m sitting here writing this and drinking my morning coffee I am overwhelmed by emotions and tears are splashing like rain drops in my coffee cup.

One of the things about losing someone you love and who you knew so well, is that you know what they would say even when they are no longer here to say it.

I hear my mother’s voice constantly and I know what she would say to me this morning.

“Dry those tears. Get on with your day. Give thanks to God for all your blessings. I’ll see you again one day on the other side, but for now you take care of those kids and grandkids. You have a lot to be thankful for.”

Yes, Momma. I hear you and as always, you are right.