The Golden Girls Swim Team is Breaking Records

There are things that happen in life that are burned in your memory like a tattoo inside your brain (which is the only place this nana will ever have a tattoo.) Before I begin telling you about my adventures let me preface it by saying the story I’m about to tell is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

One of my best friends and I decided we needed to get some exercise. We walk together sometimes but we decided that since I now have a family member with a heated pool that we should invite ourselves over to swim and do exercises (as long as no one is home). According to our research swimming and pool exercises are easier on your joints. That’s probably true for normal people but we are not normal.

I googled pool exercises for mature (old) women online, dug out my bathing suit, took 15 minutes to wiggle into it (Bill says I put 15 pounds of potatoes in a 5 pound bag) and we were off to the races, so to speak. My daughter and son-in-law cautioned us about every possible catastrophe that might happen. “Wear shoes. Watch where you are stepping. Don’t let the dog out and wear sunscreen.”

Who’s the mom here, anyway? We laughed them off. After all, if we aren’t old enough by now to know how to be careful we might never be.

My friend sat down to put her sunscreen on (the expiration date on the tube was 2022). It looked more like paste or glue than sunscreen but she rubbed it on anyway. I put some on my face and we both looked like a cross between Casper the Ghost and a giant marshmallow.

We soon realized we had forgotten a few things. I didn’t have a hat, she did. I had a towel, she didn’t. She had sunglasses and I didn’t. We also didn’t have pool noodles which we wanted for our exercises but we decided we would make do with what we had and be better prepared the next time.

While my friend was still rubbing glue, I mean sunscreen, on her legs, I walked over to the steps of the pool. I took my shoes off, put my foot on the top step and went flying through the air like a pizza dough from Papa John’s. I didn’t want anyone to see my acrobatic routine so I did a speedy “stop, drop and roll maneuver.” And then I sat very still assessing the damage.

My friend, who was more worried about the fact that she hadn’t shaved her legs since before Christmas (I shaved mine at Halloween last year because I didn’t want to look like Chewbacca) but she worries more than I do.) Anyway, she finally noticed me and said, “Why are you facing that way? When I looked down you were facing this way.”

“I am facing this way because my foot slipped. That first step is slick.”

“Are you okay?” she asked concerned I had broken a hip. She picked up her phone to dial 911.

“Put down your phone. I think I’m okay. I just need to sit here a minute.” So I did.

She made her way over to examine me more closely.

“You know those commercials about I’ve fallen and can’t get up? They don’t seem so funny anymore,” I said.

“I know what you mean,” she said. “The other day the dog was out running and hit my knees and my knee gave out.”

“I think I’m okay now,” I said. I felt like a fish flopping around on the edge of a pond but I finally managed to get up. “Watch out for that first step it’s a doozy.”

She assured me she would and I took her hand, just to make sure she didn’t repeat my performance.

She placed her foot on the first step and all was fine….until her knee buckled. She pitched sideways, away from me and drug me with her. We landed half in the pool, half out. She scraped the top layer of skin off her back but otherwise, was ok. By now we were laughing so hard I figured the neighbors had their binoculars out and were trying to figure out what the heck was going on in the pool next door.

“You do realize we have been here 30 minutes and we still aren’t in the pool,” I said.

“Yeah, well I’ve laughed so hard I gotta go pee. Where’s the bathroom?”

“I’ll wait for you to get back so I can help you in,” I yelled as she limped off.

“I don’t think so,” she said. “I’m going to get on a float and jump in.”

I looked at our choices of floats. One was a dolphin with handles on top, one was a lounge chair with a hole in the bottom of it and one was a very tame looking alligator. I chose the one I thought would be easiest to get on, the chair and started trying to get my 15 pounds of potatoes on the seat. It took awhile (and yes I rolled off a few times but I did it).

When my friend came back she chose the alligator and plopped in and over his stomach.

“Do you think we will have as much trouble getting out of the pool as we did getting in?’ she asked.

“I sure hope not. It can’t be as bad as that time I was a the ocean and the waves kept knocking my down. I’d stand up, get knocked over, repeat, repeat, repeat. Finally some guys took pity on me and waded out and got me. Once I got on dry sand I assured them I was fine but they refused to let go of me until they had me on the porch. To make matters worse my kids were standing on the upstairs balcony doubled over in laughter. Like Rodney Dangerfield used to say, “I get no respect.”

My friend and I may be accident prone but we were determined. We did our exercises and made it out of the pool with no mishaps. Determined that we would be better prepared tomorrow.

Day Two of “The Golden Girls Swim Team.”

The next day I had, sunglasses, a large hat, and we both had towels and sunscreen that was purchased later than 2022. My daughter had made me promise not to use the steps again until the rail was put up so I walked to the side of the pool and dangled my legs in the water. I was sure this time my pool entrance would be as graceful as Esther Williams (if any of you remember who she was). I had my pool hat and sunglasses on. I was ready!

I slipped into the water but unfortunately I had misjudged where the shallow end stopped and the deep end began. Off came the hat, the glasses and under I went….blug, blug, blug. After my friend stopped laughing she got in and helped me find my hat and sunglasses. We had pool noodles this time and we exercised for over an hour.

Once my granddaughter learned what we were doing she searched all the house cameras that might have captured our swim team antics but the only sighting of the swim team she found was the doorbell camera. She couldn’t see much but she told her mother, “Don’t they look cute with their big hats and sunglasses on, sort of like nice spies.”

My daughter now calls me the Captain of the Golden Girls Swim Team and says she’s getting my friend and me matching swimsuits and caps.

This is a members only club. If you are one of the lucky ones to receive an invitation, here are the rules

1.You have to have a sense of humor and good insurance. Knowing how to swim is a plus but optional.

2. What happens at the pool….stays at the pool (after this post).

3. No filming of events is allowed….ever. Trespassers not invited will be shot with my grandchildren’s water guns. if cameras are placed around the pool there will be duct tape on them while we are there.

4. There is a minimum age (only Golden Girls Allowed) requirement but no maximum. If you receive an invitation and you can get in a pool, fall in a pool, or be dropped from a medical helicopter into a pool, you are welcome to join.

5. All swim suits have to cover as much of the body as possible. We don’t want to see our own jelly rolls and we sure don’t want to see yours. Absolutely no bikinis allowed….ever.

For more information call 1-800-blug.

I don’t know if our exercises are doing us any good but I will say we sure are having fun!

#goldengirls #swimteam

Picture is of a pool far, far away from here.