Nana’s Return to the Gym

2. The treadmills there were so fancy I needed a few hundred more brain cells to figure out how to work them. No one had any for sale so I did what I always do when in doubt, punched buttons and hoped for the best. The first day I accidentally hit jog on treadmill and peed on myself before I could slow it down. Go ahead and laugh, but I assure you that if you have 5 children you will be dealing with this problem too.

3. The second day I noticed there was a television in the center of the treadmill screen. Wow! I could walk fast (no jogging for this nana) and watch television. I borrowed my husbands ear buds and went back prepared. I managed to get the television turned on and watched thirty minutes of the food channel (they were making cheese cake!). I was afraid to try and change the channel just in case I hit the jog button again. After thirty minutes of the food channel I went straight back to the room and devoured some Dunkin Donuts. Who says advertising doesn’t work?

4. I decided to forgo the headphones the next day and just watch whatever was on television with no sound, but the guy next to me had head phones on and evidently he didn’t know that just because he couldn’t hear me didn’t mean I couldn’t hear him. The guy must have consumed a pound of beans for supper the night before. Note to self: never eat beans and get on treadmill.

5. The last day I was there I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I didn’t use my vacation as an excuse NOT to work out. I used it to inspire myself to get back on the treadmill. I strutted over to the treadmill, got on and pushed all the correct buttons like a pro. Within minutes my ego deflated to the size of a peanut. Wouldn’t you know it, I had picked the treadmill next to Wonder Woman! I walked. She ran, and ran and ran. She sprayed sweat, downed water and did seven miles in the time I to0k me to do a mile and a half. Her friend (Princess Wonder Woman) suggested they drink some juice before going to spin class.

There should be a separate workout room for exercise addicts so that the poor souls like me who are just hoping they don’t fall off the treadmill or pee their pants don’t feel so bad.

6. And my grand finale for the week….I didn’t know what a third of the machines were supposed to do but I gave them all a shot. I sat on one thing and pushed something with my legs. After I lowered the weight (Wonder Woman had probably used it before me) to where I could move the thing I did pretty good. I did as many reps as I could and then went to get off. My feet got tangled up in the bars and I flipped over, landing flat on my face. Ten workers immediately appeared from thin air (where were they when I needed them) and helped me up. I assured them I was fine and had no intentions of suing. They handed me a bottle of water, a towel and opened the door for me.

Thank goodness, I didn’t have the strength to open that dang door again!