Motherhood Mistakes

Motherhood Mistakes

(This post was written by a friend of mine, Teresa Branstetter Kimble. It is a great read for all parents and grandparents. I hope you will agree and share it with others who might benefit from reading her words.)

I made lots of mistakes as a young mom like disciplined in anger, made hasty decisions and had way too little fun. Phil left the decision to have children up to me. After six years of marriage, I said yes. What do I know now that I wish I had known back then?

1. That two-year-olds act like a two-year-old should act. A very wise man at church, better known as Curd Thomas, once said, “God put the wiggle in a child, and we try to take it out.” He was right; I did. A two-year-old misbehaves in Bible class mainly because he is two years old. His actions do not reflect the parent’s parenting skills; they simply reflect his age.

2. That discipline should not be carried out in anger and be proportionate to the offense. Spilling the Cheerios does not warrant punishment; deliberately spilling the Cheerios does. If he knowingly leaves coke cans in the yard, you take away his coke. If he intentionally abuses a privilege, you take away the privilege. There is a difference between intentional and accidental behavior.

3. That children go up Fool’s Hill at about the age of twelve and come back down again around the age of 19. (Said by a grandmother to Dr. John Erskine who quoted her to me.)

4. That I should say “when” he does such-and-such not “if” he does such-and-such. Teenagers, even children, will do what you never dreamed they would do, go where you never imagined they would go, and participate in that which you never thought they would join in. To think that they will do none of the above is naive. Your reaction to their misbehavior will contribute to their conveying or concealing the truth in their next offense. Even God had a grandson who committed murder.

5. That control is an illusion. I can only control someone, even a child, to the point he will allow it. The best parents can raise rebellious, unruly, stubborn children, beyond anyone’s ability to control. It’s the obstinate child that opens the perfect parent’s eyes to his own imperfections.

6. That the world can teach our children what we cannot. Being sent home from school for indecent attire will get a teenager’s attention more than all the lectures you’ve ever spoken—the ones your child can quote back to you, and will re-enact when he becomes an adult. Chuck Miller, a past member of our church, once said: “You couldn’t beat them (lectures) out of your child’s head with a crowbar.” Sometimes you just have to let them eat the soap to prove that they shouldn’t.

7. That building a positive relationship is more important than forcing obedience to the rules. Isn’t that the way God treats us? “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion,” says author Josh McDowell. In my opinion, shutting the door to a child’s cluttered room pales in comparison to killing a child’s spirit, shutting down the child. I fought senseless battles that I, myself, created. I acted in ways that I regretted that warranted apologies which I gave. It’s impossible to unring the bell you should have never rung. There could be, and more than likely will be, much more significant battles down the road. If it doesn’t matter in five years, it shouldn’t matter now.

8. That letting a child suffer the consequences of his own actions is painful but absolutely necessary for the child to mature and for change to take place. To assume the blame for a child’s mistakes only adds to the child’s delinquency and sustains the parent’s nightmare.

9. That a child needs to learn to make informed decisions while living at home so he can make wise decisions when he lives on his own. A child whose parent has made all his decisions is ill-equipped to face the future. Loosening the strings is tantamount to keeping the strings attached.
10. That most lessons are caught rather than taught. What I do speaks louder than what I say. A child may forget my words but never my tone of voice. Speak softly and carry a huge heart. Say “I love you” every day and mean it. To love God and others is the greatest lesson we will ever teach.

Laura and David (Teresa and Phil’s children) did not grow up in today’s environment where cyber-bullying, guns in classrooms and fear of attack exists. But maybe these lessons I’ve learned can in some small way help you be a better parent.